This post will be classified under “Dear, My Heart” because I have so much to pour out. It has been 3 months since I kick start with my third series journey. The past three months hadn’t been easy. I know I said this a lot but this is exactly how I feel at the moment. At first, I got to swallow my frustrations about going back to work because Covid-19 is still spreading vastly in the midst of us. Eventually, I learnt to accept that things don’t go my ways especially when all of us are struggling to pay off our bills. Yea, some of us don’t get the privilege to work from home but we still have to pay our bills and debts. Not only that, most of us regardless whichever departments we are in are going through different challenges. We are all trying to protect our rice bowl just so we don’t get dismissed. Well, we all been through that. News of Covid-19 is slowing down. I hope things are getting better as we are all back on track. Here comes the thing. Everything seems to be stagnant for me now – same job, same paid, same commitments, same routines and etc. I am NOT trying to be ungrateful because I heard of people with worst situations – getting retrenched, forced to leave, pay cut, poor family relationship and so on. My situation is so much better so I am thanking God silently each day. Here comes a question, am I really satisfied with my current life? I acted like one ungrateful idiot, blaming God a dozen times a day, and even cursing Him sometimes. There is no way we can be satisfied with life. Yes. NOT after I were being educated with knowledge and filled with hopes to create a better life. Imagination has no boundaries. I would love to believe that 30 is the opportunity for me to experience breakthroughs.
At 30, I am neither very young nor extremely old. Still have the guts and balls in me to challenge the 180 degree. Yet, I got to figure out if my current role allows me to – The main reason that is holding me back. I am an employee, a wife, a mother and a daughter. Apart from all these, I am also a little girl with dreams. We all know time waits for no one. I wouldn’t want to blame myself 20 years later on the things that I should have done but my “roles” didn’t allow me to. How can I make this chapter beautiful? Life is really too short to dwell in regrets. This got me ponder over things that I should be achieving or goals that I should have met. Have I achieve them all in my twenties? Maybe not all of them but there are definitely things that have been forgotten or left behind. Images of me biting my lips and kicking myself because I have been stubborn. My brain is full of flying thoughts. So overwhelming that I couldn’t even gather all of them to fit in to a proper content. This gradually led me to “The List”.
I actually kept a proper “List” of items written by me. It is my to-do list which is also known as a “Wish list”. I usually update this every year (Not really New Year Resolutions but rather an active list for me to refer to). You have to get this clear. This “To-do” list is supposed to be active and you are allowed to amend it whenever you feel like it. Obviously it consist of items I wish I could have done or maintain in my third series. We usually go unstoppable with our imaginations and wishes. You’ll feel liberating after jotting everything down because writing is a good way to express. Strongly recommend all ladies to keep a list so that you can keep track of the things that you want to do. Going back to my list, there are a few items which is always there. Instead of checking them off my list, I do think it is an on-going thing which will be bound to my life. It is just a matter of how do we deal with them. It is easy to list out things that you wish to achieve. However, if we do come back to reality, we all know that “Money” plays a big role in most of the items that I just listed.
Let me list out some of the items and I will link them to my current life to give you a clearer insight on how pathetic life could be for me. As a 30 year old woman, I definitely don’t feel successful. I feel very discouraged and speechless with my current achievement. Almost every day, The Hubs and I will be lamenting on why our lives could be this meaningless. We slog through work every day, couldn’t even go to our dream place for holiday, couldn’t even afford to buy another property, cannot even afford to revamp our current house, cannot even afford to cover both our families’ expenses and the list goes on. Isn’t this pathetic? No savings, NOTHING. Everything revolves around MONEY and MORE Money. I think I spend my money faster than I earn them. Even I don’t spend on anything unnecessary also there are things which I have to maintain. I have to admit that I am not a thrifty person. Saving money is definitely not on my top list. You’ll soon know why because I have decided to be an open book so I will leave nothing out. Let’s take a look at my TOP 5 yearly goals and my burdens in maintaining them.
Maintaining a healthy body and skin
I am not indicating about going to gym or doing exercises because I totally have no time for it. Actually I can afford to sneak in an hour or two but I just don’t want to leave my daughter for too long. I am at work from 9am to 6pm. The Hubs and I travel to work from 8.20am and arriving home around 7.15pm. You think I would want to dedicate another hour or two just for myself whilst Belle is waiting for me at home? There is no way I would trade this stage for anything else. I won’t get my daughter’s childhood back for the second time. There is a saying “You are what you eat”. Hence, I decided to focus more on eating healthy. Bullshit! Every single freaking time, I couldn’t resist all these trendy beverages like bubble tea and yoghurt drinks. Average price per cup is from RM10.90 onwards. Imagine if I consume it 3 times a week, which means I have spent RM30.00 just for beverages. Friends, please do not tempt me into spending money on beverages again! You know this is my weakness.
The Hubs told me to consume “Rosytime”, a type of botanical drink (which I shared it before via Instagram). It is really easy to consume plus it is tasty. The Hubs is really into eating healthy as he believes healthy skin begins from what we eat. He is quite supportive of this when I said I am going to give this product a try. This alone, cost USD100 (subjected to currency if we were going to convert it to MYR). Yes. One big box consists of five packs of 200ml. No matter how much we try to be stingy on it, you have to consume one pack within seven days upon opening. There you go. RM400+ of fixed commitment per month. Not forgetting that I have constipation. I used to have gastroenteritis which is why I cannot digest like normal human. Mommy suggested that I should try out this probiotics from Amway in a larger scale. One box contains 30 sachets, and it cost RM150 per box. I usually purchase two boxes which sums up to RM300. The perks of being women also means I need to take in supplements like fish oil. This is still fine as the pricing is affordable. I haven’t even talk about dressing nicely yet as that would definitely take a long time.
Tell me which girls doesn’t yearn to have flawless skin? We are enemies of wrinkles, dark circles, acnes, rough pores, uneven skin tone, and you name the rest. My killer point is black heads, dark circles, rough pores and superb dull skin. Sometimes, I will have acnes outbreak due to hormone imbalance. With a kid who doesn’t sleeps properly, it is even harder for me to get proper rest. I am very particular about how I looked when I am outside but my laziness and stupidity in make-up is not helping me strongly in this area. My skin is so dull that I feel like slapping myself every time I looked at myself in the mirror. There was a time when I thought I am coming down with depression because I just couldn’t bear how ugly I look. I hate applying foundation and heavy make-up on my face as it would result in clogged pores. Many times, it puzzles me to see girls with flawless skin. Like what on earth did they do to their skin? When I was in primary school (International School), there are many rich kids around. Let’s just focus on the girls (Not all ok, just a few extremely rich one). At young age, looking good and dressing up is their priority. Whereas, I have no rights to decide what type of hair styles I like. Girls my age already started perming their hairs, put on make ups, and chasing fashions but I can only envy them because my mommy didn’t think that is a priority. Well, she is right too because I am still living off my parents so it didn’t seems right too. Don’t get me wrong. My parent’s provide me with all necessities and they do give in to my requests most of the time as long as I don’t go overboard. Okay, back to my topic on “Radiant Skin”. I weren’t born with flawless skins. As mentioned, black heads and rough pores are a nuisance to me. Hence, I tried out many affordable skin care products since the age of 13. From L’Oréal, to Clean and Clear, then some overseas product, and even until the stage when I have to seek a dermatologist. Mommy even signed me up to do facial which I absolutely detest because I cannot stand the pain of having to get all these black heads and acnes removed. The sound of “cling” made by those facial tools really scare the shit out of me. Sometimes, tear would just flow down my cheeks and the beautician asked “Is it really that painful?” I feel like slapping the shit out of her.
I haven’t been to facial for almost 2 years now. As you can guess, my skin turns out for the worst especially after pregnancy. During that time, Drs. Secret is one of the famous product. Many of my friends and colleagues are using it. So I decided to try Drs. Secret, one of the most expensive products that I have used in my entire life. From October 2019 up to August 2014, I have spent a total of RM12K on it. CASH terms! According to experts, we were all given a set of formula which is subjected to individuals as everyone’s skin condition is not the same. I have to use mine on a large scale which requires me to top up my product in two weeks. I realized I can’t keep up with it anymore. My skin doesn’t achieve the result that I want. Again, don’t get me wrong. It is just me unable to fork out any more money on this. I don’t blame the products. It would be good if you get into this business if you want to use it for long term but I am not interested in doing MLM. Without using Drs. Secret, I got to hunt for another option. Recently, I came across an article written by an old Hong Kong actress. In her short article, she mentioned about her friend asking her why she didn’t seems to age even for a bit. The actress replied “I used my money to invest on myself and that’s the best investment”. The next product I am aiming is Elemente and Belif (The Faceshop) which is not cheap either but at least I don’t have to top up my products once in every two weeks. I spent RM703 on the Oxyginberry Complex and SPF30. To get replacement for my essence and moisturizer, I decided to spend another RM350 on Belif. One of my aim is to slowly try out products from Belif, adding them to my collections in time to come. It is really not easy being women but we still need to invest in ourselves. Let me get this clear (before diehard fans of Drs. Secret starts bombing me), this is purely my own decision. You see, I didn’t even mention about the ingredients or blame why it didn’t work on me. Maybe my methods are incorrect or maybe I am a lazy person. I didn’t say the product is NOT GOOD. This investment is just too heavy on me so unfortunately I have to say retrieve myself from this. I am not even sure how long I can maintain this investment but I sure wish it can be a long lasting one. Or else, I would look like a 40 year old aunty at the age of 30.
Self-Improvements/ Unlocking my inner potential
Self-Improvements and Unlocking my inner potential definitely goes along well together as this is where life-long learning comes in. I don’t like to stay stagnant or stand still because it would bored the hell out of me. This is definitely my long term goal but it requires a lot of MONEY. Some of you might say it don’t have to but for me it is a different story. You see, one professional master of ceremony course cost me around RM5000 (Inclusive of attires and outfit). To me, it is fine because this serves as an open door for me to venture into a new field. As a student, I don’t treasure the chance of learning. When I am working, I longed to go back to learning. Fickle minded I know but this is me. If I were to continuously upgrade myself, I would have to invest in a lot of thing. Now that I am starting to take up more jobs on content writing, I need to invest in props, and proper equipment. Even lightings also plays a huge part in photo taking.
You may say it is as simple as being your own model in your own content but you think people would want to see your unfiltered zero make-up face with large pores and black heads? Or as easy selecting the nicest corner of your house that comes with insufficient lightings and it makes you look as if you are in your 40s even when you are only 30? Easy peasy lemon squeeze. I am a well-known idiot when it comes to make-up as I don’t even know how to draw my eyes properly even if I have signed up for a one on one make-up course for three times. All these requires money. Learning free tutorials from YouTube doesn’t help a real make-up idiot like me. Eh, I am not lamenting but just stating the harsh truths. My portfolio needs to be updated from time to time which means I need to have a wide range of existing profile pictures for me use. This, alone, cost a lot as I need to hire a make-up artist and professional photographer. Only people in the same field would understand this.
I am learning how to take proper pictures without depending on The Hubs because we would ended up fighting. Out of 100 pictures he took, I can only use one and sometimes none at all. He thinks he did a good job but seriously, sometimes I feel like kicking him to the back of the moon. *laugh out loud* I am just kidding. The Hubs plays a huge role when it comes to curating content with Belle inside. I couldn’t possibly handle Belle without her rolling in front of my photo spot or grabbing my tripod. Here comes the equipment part, I am using a really cheap tripod from Taobao but it is really not good. When I do “Live” sessions, I need to invest in a good microphone and lighting gadgets which will cost a hole in my pocket. We need to know our priority eh? Hence, I am putting all these on-hold first but it remains TOP on my list.
You must be wondering if this is relatable to religions. Not really as God is in my heart. We just show respects to every religions will do. This segment is more like traveling and family bonding time me because it is part of my spiritual enhancement. We gets tired too, by doing the same thing every day. On and off, our inner souls required us to slow down and take a break. I feel like a failure because I called myself a Disney freak but I haven’t even been to Disney Land. We all know a trip to Disney Land is not cheap. Without including flight tickets and accommodation, a day pass to Disney Land cost RM220. We have not even calculate the expenses whist we are inside the park. How can we not spend on the merchandizes? How can we not try the famous Disney’s snacks? If possible, I would like to stay for at least ONE night in Disney Land. Of course I would extend my stay if I have more savings. The Hubs could live without traveling but not me. Let me at least opt for “Cuti-Cuti Malaysia” la. Disney Land would be my main goal if you want to ground me from traveling for years.
Family time wise, we could go soft on this part as all we need is good food and a nice ambience. This is quite subjective. I don’t cook at all as nobody would want to eat and it will be a waste of food. Maybe because there is a limitation to this part as we don’t stay by ourselves. We stayed at my in-laws during week days and back to my mom’s during weekends. My mom wouldn’t like me to mess around in her kitchen. Sometimes, when I want to bake also she would ended up showing her black face that kills off every desires in me to bake. At my in-laws, we usually arrive home past cooking hours, so dinner would be served when we got back. I count myself lucky but still wish I could at least get the chance to experience housewives’ life. My mother seldom cooks because there is no one to clear the dishes. She stays alone when we are not around and therefore we always eat out. A decent meal outside can easily go up to RM100. Let alone, sometimes, we crave for desserts and sweet beverages. We always say the cost of living in Malaysia quite high too.
Raising up the next generation
Belle is our treasure and I often thank God for sending her to us. It dawned to me that raising her is not as simple as just feeding her milk on demands, or cleaning her poops. As she grows, she is slowly learning and mimicking our actions. Parenting is a long journey. We need to start planning for her education, and as well as making sure that she is healthy. I haven’t even include all her medical expenses (Injections, unwell and so on). Every visits to the doctor’s would cost us at least RM200 and sometimes the bill would go up to RM400. Her diapers are wearing off in top speed. We need to refill her daily supplies like wet tissues, milk powder (to stand by), diapers, and head to toe body wash. Now that she is at her learning stage, I need to start surveying for a proper play house. My mother in-law is taking in another baby and soon, my sister-in-law will be giving birth. Which means there will be two babies in the house, excluding Belle and a little boy my mother-in-law is looking after. I may need to start making plans earlier because my mother-in-law is not a superwoman. It is going to wear her out. Play house would easily cost RM400 per month. Don’t really wish to send Belle off to school this soon because I don’t want to stress her on learning. Sure, I would want to accompany her to the play house so that she can get some exposures. This is only what we face concurrently. Thank God Belle is healthy.
How about my future kids? I cannot be unfair to him or her because Belle gets all my attention as my firstborn. If I did a photoshoot of Belle, I have to make sure my second child gets the same. It would only be fair this way.
ENDLESS BILLS plus commitments
This is the saddest segment among all of my goals. It shouldn’t even be a goal. However, we, Chinese Malaysians are quite pathetic. Basically, we don’t even earn that much but 80% of our salary are taken up by our commitments. The Hubs’ commitment is burst already. His whole salary is used to cover house loan, car loan and monthly commitments to his family. If he doesn’t work during weekends, then we would be living in deficit. As for me, I also need to cover house loan, Belle’s insurance and my own, monthly commitment to my mom, phone bill and credit card. Unlike The Hubs, I chose not to work during weekends because someone definitely needs to stay at home for our daughter. The most pathetic part is that, I don’t even own a car because I am using the company’s car. We cannot even afford to buy another property because we won’t be able to get bank loans. Let’s take the company that I am working with as a reference. The lowest range is from RM924K, monthly commitment would be around RM4200 (Excluding maintenance fee and club house fee). How am I eligible to purchase? Now that we finally have a house that we bought at RM580K, we cannot even afford to renovate. Well, maybe we are not as pathetic as we seems but it is definitely not the right choice to stay by ourselves. All these assumptions are based on my own personal experiences. Each of us are different.
I shall assume that my monthly salary after deducting EPF and taxes would be around RM4500. Let me show you my monthly commitment in a breakdown version:-
- House Loan (Laman Indah) – RM700
- House Loan (Serimbun) – RM700
- FAMILY – RM1200
- PHONE BILL – RM180.20
- INSURANCE (BABY AND I ) – RM600
The items stated above are my fixed commitments. I haven’t even include entertainment cost and miscellaneous like credit cards. Thank God all the petrol expenses are covered by the company. However, I think we might need to figure this out in future. Who knows we might need another car. Tell me, how are we supposed to invest in another property? It is not like I don’t want to save money but how can I save? Do teach me if you have any ideas. Most of my savings goes to insurance and I can only take them out after 10 years? 20 years? Talking about all these are really demotivating. A torture to my poor soul. I know many of you out there are battling this together. Come on, let’s cheers to a better life!
Only 30. Yes. I am only 30. Most people I knew are successful at this age. They already own a few properties, be their own boss, and traveling all over the World. Me, on the other hand is struggling to survive. I can’t even buy clothes, or nice items without having to stress over if I can clear all my credit cards on time without being charged on “Financial Charges”. Secretly, I still do spend on items that I liked, just not in the extreme mode because I have limits. People around my age are living a life that I yearned for. Life is not a bed of roses. Everyone will have their fair shares of struggles. Some chose to endure silently whereas some others, like me, chose to be vocal about it. Personally, I don’t think this is something to be ashamed about. Looking on the bright side, we are blessed with united families, a happy kid, and we too, can bring food to our table.
Yes. Life at 30 is just a beginning for me. What I am trying to say is, “Yes dearies, things don’t often go the way we imagined but surely we have the power to change our fate.”
If you dream to fulfill something, go ahead and do it.
We don’t have enough savings? Find ways to earn more.
I want to go Disney Land. And I WILL!
Maybe you think you are too old to go for audition or attending vocal lessons. My dears, you still have a long long way to go. You do’t even know.
What if I get rejected? Well, at least we tried our best.
You think you want to try dancing? Go ahead and sign up for a ballet course.
Life doesn’t stand still for us. We got to make it interesting.
You really wan to eat that cake? Go ahead my dear! Just get a bigger pair of jeans.
I love to sing. I will be my own supporter.
Are you willing to change?
All these will prompt me to be a better version of me.
Whether or not I can create a brand new chapter 10 years later is all depending on what I will do today. Should I chase after my dreams? Yes. I will. Should I allow myself to regret 10 years later? No. I won’t. I am actually excited to see what life has in store for me. Are you excited to be in this journey? Sorry that this post turns out to be quite depressing in the beginning. That’s why I said writing does heal. I felt so much better after pouring out my heart. Again, it didn’t turn out to be that informative post that I imagined. Anyway, who cares? I drafted this post sincerely. What is life at 30 for you? Please share your thoughts with me.
I am only 30. I am ready for breakthroughs.
Join me in embarking a journey without boundaries.
30 is not a big deal. Why?
Life is just about to start at 30.