Hello March 2021!
As usual, time flies. Guess I will never be able to change my opening for the time being. Chinese New Year is over. MCO 2.0 has been lifted up. We started off this year thinking it is going to better than last year but did I tell you I actually love 2020 a lot? Apart from all the frustrations of not being able to travel and all, I am utmost thankful for MCO1.0 where I am given free days to spend with Belle. The starting of 2021 has been pleasant too. One month of working from home. It wasn’t easy as I never expect Belle to be so clingy and sticky. Nonetheless, I am feeling like a proud Mama. My daughter loves me very much.
This got me thinking deeply. Do I really enjoy spending 24/7 with her? If yes, why am I still complaining that she wouldn’t leave me alone? Why do I mumble that she never allow me to do work? Every time when she cries, reaching out for me carry her, my heart would melt. All my thoughts about her being a hinder would disappear instantly. My daughter is so adorable. Instead of putting all the blames on her, I should be blaming myself for not working hard enough to achieve time flexibility and financial freedom. My child is innocent. At her age, she is only feeling what she is supposed to feel.
Here is an article I have written on Mom Boleh’s website where I shared some of my inner voices and thoughts which I would either think out loud or say out loud. Some of you might be able to relate to some of these. Have a read!
“Welcome to the World my sweetie”
“My daughter is so adorable”
“Aww, Mommy loves you so much!”
“I can’t help but looking at you daily”
“She smells great!”
“Oh dear, when can you stop waking up in the middle of the night?”
“I am having sleep deprived”
“My nipples are so sore!”
“Wait, you want milk again? I thought you just had it?”
“Argh, why are you fighting sleep?”
“I wish she would grow up fast so that I can have my own life again!”
“STOP CRYING! It is just the car seat. Need to keep you safe!”
“Won’t you ever listen to me?”
“Why can’t you sit still like any other children?”
“Oh no, she is flipping over again! Every single time when I am trying to put on her diapers”
“Why is she so hyperactive?”
“She can now crawl very well”
“Belle! Woohoo, she can recognize her name!”
“She calls me MAMA!”
“BEST DAY EVER!”
“Daddy and Mommy loves you little darling!’
“Good job darling, you can stand up on your own”
“Argh, she is wasting my time. Why don’t you sleep?”
“You are wasting my milk again!
“Gosh, just look at those mess”
“She didn’t poops for days. Is there something wrong?”
“Belle has been crying for hours! What happened?”
“Happy 1st birthday darling! You are the greatest gift that God has given to me!”
“NO! STOP THROWING THINGS!”
“Don’t ever do that again!”
“Can anyone please help me? I have a lot of things to do!”
“Oh my word! Why can’t she stop?”
“Why are you so clingy?”
“Why can’t you play by your own?”
“I am so sorry baby! Mommy didn’t mean to scold you”
“Stop being clingy!”
“Can anyone help me to clean her poops?”
“Oh no, why are you crying again?”
“Milk again? No more!”
“Mommy really needs to work!”
“I love you baby. Mommy loves you despite you making me go crazy all the time”
“Come over here to Mama!”
“Why do you have to poop after I just change your diapers?”
“20 months already? Oh dear, time flies”
“Please don’t grow up so fast!’
“I wish she would stay this small forever”
“Please stay the same”
“I love you very very much!”
“She is turning two very soon!”
And the list goes on.
Who else can relate to all these?
If you can, welcome to Motherhood!”
From the moment I held my daughter, everything changed. I know my life will no longer be the same.
Motherhood is like a rollercoaster ride to me. As much as I anticipate my new role, I got to face my inner thoughts. Life isn’t always full of rainbows and sunshine. As much as we enjoy the juice of it but there are times when we have to acknowledge the darker sides of motherhood too. Let’s be honest.
I am tired.
I have so much works to do.
I complain and is feeling exasperate.
I don’t dress fancy anymore.
I can’t even go to a proper dining place to enjoy a good meal.
What had motherhood done to me?
I screamed at her.
I feel guilty almost every night that I will kiss her many times when she sleeps.
I wanted so much to throw her aside whenever she cries.
I want an undisturbed meal.
I want to play with my phone without being disturbed.
I want to finish reading a book in one sitting.
You see? There are so many things that I would love to do but time cannot unwind motherhood. I will never get this moment back. I don’t want my daughter to grow up thinking how her mom sacrifices for her. I want her to be able to enjoy everything that we enjoy doing and to be a part of this together.
As much as I hope she could be independent, but deep down inside, I am thinking otherwise. She’ll always be my baby. I wouldn’t want to trade this golden moment for anything else in the World.
This moment is precious and will forever be a part of me.
“Slow down baby girl! Mommy still has a lot to do with you”
I would watch you grow.
Motherhood is beautiful. Our inner thoughts are beautiful too. We are in dilemma. Sometimes we are frustrated, sometimes we loved every moments. These little pieces, when placed together form the most beautiful picture of motherhood where only mothers can understand it.
Have you listen to your inner voice today?
Seek it and you’ll be surprise!